The Unraveling of the “Mother” in Perimenopause

In order to provide help to people, I have used myself in examples since the creation of this blog in 2011.  I went back to my first years as a college student on the verge of marriage and documented the challenges I faced.  I took my readers on quite a few journeys, but I started to pull back some time ago and write more generic pieces on the advice of a “guru” who said that I needed to do that.  That was a mistake.  As oftentimes when we listen to the advice of well-meaning people, what works for them doesn’t always work for us.

2020:  We won’t forget that year.  March.  COVID shuts things down.  Something I haven’t written about was that was the year I think perimenopause was giving me early signs.  I was 45.

I missed the signs due to the stress of COVID, the youngest not being able to finish her junior year of high school, and then never ever getting to experience her senior year of high school.  No dances.  No prom planning.  A small group of people put on a COVID prom, but it wasn’t the same.  Masks and everything.

The world was radiating a fear energy that I told my family we would not lean into.  People who knew about my illnesses were afraid for me.  Autoimmune, and the myriad of the 6 other things I had been diagnosed with at that time aside…I stood in my faith that I was going to be fine and so was my family.

I am a hermit by the time COVID ends.  I lost my friend to cancer in a way that devastated my being.  I couldn’t see her.  I couldn’t touch her or hug her or anything her except by phone and facetime.  Recently my phone died and I panicked until I saw her last texts did get backed up.  Trauma stays in the body my friends.

I lost my grandmother to cancer in 1992.  I cried for a year, I think.  Quietly.  Grieving in a way I didn’t understand.

Back to college for my oldest once COVID is deemed “controlled” (was this 2021ish, I don’t remember).  I was grieving the loss of childhood.  The loss of part of my being in my household.  I would go to her room and tidy it.  I would cry.  I would dust myself back off and move on.

The youngest daughter decides to go to the same college and I was ecstatic.  Only 1 hour and 30 minutes away.  Both kids in the same place.  I told myself empty nest was okay.  I could handle all the things.  Meanwhile…in my body, the perimenopause might have been hiding because I never thought about during all of this.  2022 and in the fall, I was completely empty nest.

I hermit.  My good friend says come walking.  We walk occasionally.  She says go to this lunch thing.  I go to the lunch thing.  She says teach yoga here (I had stopped during COVID and wasn’t sure if I was going to get back into it).  I say why not.

At this point, I had not yet come to any realization what was going on in my brain, nervous system and what roll my hormones in perimenopause had yet to play.  

I was in a brain fog that to this day I don’t think has lifted.  I was in a period of mourning that I couldn’t name.  I had not, in any way, expected it.  I had healed myself through episodes of hereditary hemochromatosis, porphyria cutanea tarda, the activation of Epstein-Barr virus in my system, what they labeled as fibromyalgia (24/7 pain for 5 years straight), Hashimoto’s and what was underlying it the MTHFR gene mutation that I couldn’t heal.  I had given pints of blood for years.  Been left anemic, my arm veins black and blue and bruised for years (if anyone did look closely, they could see the places). and to come through all of this just to go back into whatever the hell perimenopause does to your nervous system seems like such a tragedy.

Honestly. You take a look at your life some days and you do feel blessed, really, you do.  But I discovered a new word recently and it finally nailed what was going on.

Anhedonia. Upon discovering this word as related to brain function and perimenopause, I started researching.  I came across this article about the brain and how we don’t study it in perimenopause and literally this woman is talking about postmortem things that have helped her studies.  It would be our luck women to only have your brain finally figured out after you have died. They are literally trying to figure things out on animals who do not have the same composition as us.  Interesting.

I feel lucky that I stumbled upon a podcast that led me to research, but unfortunately the people on the podcast didn’t have any practical advice whatsoever.  In the article I linked above, Anhedonia was described as:

It can feel as if you’re sleepwalking through life, says Tanith. “You may notice things that used to make you feel good don’t do the trick any longer. It could be anything from that celebration you feel you’re supposed to be enjoying, to not feeling chills from music you’ve always loved,” she says.

“You may also find that senses, like touch and taste, are less intense,” she adds. “No one enjoys life all the time, but if that spiral continues downwards, and you can’t think of anything that makes you feel good anymore, it’s time to take action.”

This entire time I thought I was experiencing empty-nest syndrome and unraveling as a mother when it was deeper than I realized.  I sought out advice from friends who would post about perimenopause.  Why was everyone hiding this?  Why were we not talking about it to help save women’s lives?  Oh yeah because guess what else happens during this time.  The EMPACT Menopause Study (2023) found that 2 in 5 women considered or found a new job due to menopause symptoms.

A large review found that about 41% of postmenopausal women report feeling depressed at some point (Verywell Health). This is higher than the general population, where women are already about 2.5 times more likely than men to experience depression.

What is to be done about all of this?

First of all, your health takes priority above all else.  I get that not everyone has the luxury of being able to prioritize health.  The simple fact is that the alternative is you breaking down and not being able to take care of anyone.  I understand that if you are a mother, your brain was literally reshaped the moment you had your baby.  It’s kind of interesting that the rewiring doesn’t leave you according to neuroscience.

That’s right, you still want to take care of everyone else first.  It seems to be instinctual.

I am hardwired to do this.  Teacher in an area that had some very sad things going on.  Body goes haywire.  Made the decision to step away and take care of my health in 2014.

If you feel stress 24/7 in your body and are going through perimenopause, it is time to step back from the things that are not giving you joy.  If you experience anhedonia, it is time to call it what it is.  Loss of joy.  Emotional numbness. No anticipation and low motivation.  Please go to your doctor.  Immediately.

What has worked for me?

The hormone replacement therapy patch and progesterone.  I am not a doctor so please check with yours.

Bloodwork and getting my vitamin D in the sun as much as possible.

Meditation and sound healing.

Cutting back on caffeine and alcohol (although I have recently made the decision to go to no alcohol unless it’s a random 1 glass of wine for a celebration if that).

Different therapies like acupuncture, chiropractor helping pain, cranio-sacral and a few more like yoga/journaling/courses online.

Gardening.

Hugs from my family.  Hugs when someone is mad.

What has not worked for me?

Pretending to be okay as long as possible. Ignoring the feelings.

Not getting it checked out and not getting on HRT sooner…there was one more small hiccup to that part called adenomyosis (wasn’t aware I had it).  Bleeding for 18 days and more that was not a fun time…and left me feeling very worn out for months.

If this has resonated with you at all, please get your labs done and see a doctor.  Talk to a therapist or counselor as needed and do not wait my friends.  Put yourself first and be honest.

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