Ego versus Soul Based Friendships

Ego based mentality feels a lot like being in high school…

• Exclusion tactics.
• Pretend to like people just to be included.
• Go along with the crowd even if what’s happening is wrong.
• Talk about people instead of talk to them.
• Friends don’t like someone or reach out because of peer pressure.  
• Friends talk about the same things constantly.
• Energy radiates jealousy.
• Will not engage in important conversations/block or never speak about because it’s difficult to face.

Ego-driven decisions are choices motivated by self-importance, approval, or superiority rather than objective facts or the greater good, often leading to poor outcomes like overconfidence, resistance to feedback, and conflict. These decisions prioritize immediate gratification, proving oneself right, or avoiding shame, creating a focus on “me” instead of “we,” which can harm teams, careers, and personal growth in friendships. 

A friend group who is older, say midlife, operating on ego-based thinking often exhibits a shift from authentic connection to a cycle of competition, insecurity, and performance. At this stage, friendships may feel more superficial, focusing on validating personal achievements, social status, and maintaining a specific image. 

Key Characteristics and Behaviors

• Need for Validation: Friends may use the group to boost their self-esteem, acting as “energy vampires” who require constant reassurance, attention, or validation of their life choices.
• Performative Living: The group may be heavily invested in social, professional, or material image, leading to superficial conversations that avoid deep, vulnerable, or emotional topics like hiding facts about themselves.
• Comparison and Competition: Instead of being supportive, members may feel threatened by others’ success or use gossip and drama (such as sharing personal business without permission) to feel better about themselves.
• Lack of Reciprocity: Friendships may become transactional or “convenient,” where friends are only present when it suits them and on their time schedule, such as needing advice but never asking for it in return or meeting you halfway.
• Avoidance of Growth: The ego resists change. The group might discourage personal growth, or penalize members for trying to improve their lives, as it forces others to confront their own stagnation. 

Impact on Friendship

• High Drama/Low Trust: The group often becomes characterized by “surface-level improvement, borrowed inspiration, and recycled advice,” with little genuine, heartfelt support.
• Feeling Drained: Being part of this group can feel exhausting, leaving members feeling lonely or “used” even while in company.
• Fragmentation: As people in their 50s start to value authenticity more, they may find themselves feeling isolated from this group, leading to the “friendship collapse” where the group breaks down. 

Dealing with Ego-Based Groups

• Set Boundaries: Limit time spent with the group and practice saying “no” to protect your own mental energy.
• Avoid Feeding the Ego: Do not participate in “fishing for compliments” or enabling arrogant behavior.
• Shift from Ego to Connection: Try to steer interactions toward more authentic, shared, and lower-stakes activities (like hobbies or, in some cases, fading out and cultivating new, more conscious, and vulnerable friendships). 

Soul Based Thinking is a therapeutic approach focusing on aligning daily actions and decisions with one’s deeper, authentic self rather than ego-driven, fear-based thoughts. It emphasizes fostering emotional awareness, gratitude, and purpose, transforming negative, “stinking thinking” into constructive, purposeful action. It prioritizes internal alignment over external validation. 

Soul based mentality feels like growth.  

• It feels so good to get into conversations with these people because you can be like I hear what you are saying.  I see where you are coming from.  
• Friends at this level invite people because it feels authentic and aligned.  Not forced because of old connections, who they know, someone’s spouse no one talks to and so on.
• These friends can talk about the present and the future plans without hesitation because these people aren’t jealous.  They listen to you with support instead of constant judgmental statements. 

A friend group entering their middle age years using “soul-based thinking” represents a shift from superficial social interactions to deeply intentional, spiritual, and emotional connections. At this life stage, these bonds often serve as “soul friendships” (or anam cara), where individuals act as mirrors for growth, offering unconditional, non-judgmental support rather than trying to fix each other. 

Here is a breakdown of what characterizes a friend group operating from this perspective:

Key Characteristics and Mindset

• Depth Over Surface: These friendships transcend, hobbies, and surface-level opinions to connect on a “soul level”—a deep harmony and energetic resonance.
• Authenticity and Vulnerability: Such friends drop the ego, “posturing,” and persona, choosing instead to be transparent, honest, and “bare-souled”.
• Support Through Life Stages: These connections offer profound solace during life’s challenges (illness, loss, career changes) and are grounded in trust and loyalty.
• Soul Groups/Spirit Family: Members often feel they are part of the same “spirit family,” sharing an intense magnetic, energetic, and spiritual bond that feels like coming home. 

Behavioral Traits within the Group

• Active Listening: Friends listen without judgment and witness the other’s life, creating a safe space to share fears and dreams.
• Growth-Oriented: They encourage, rather than hinder, each other’s personal evolution and make time to listen.
• Nurturing Connections: They make a conscious effort to keep in touch, recognizing that such bonds take effort to maintain in middle age…and if ignored, causes pain.
• Shared Resonance: Conversations often revolve around meaning, spirituality, and shared values rather than mere gossip or superficial topics that show no growth.

Building or Enhancing This Connection as You Age

• Be Proactive: It is necessary to be intentional about creating community in this phase of life.
• Seek Like-Minded Souls: Connect through shared, deep-level interests like workshops, retreats, or volunteer groups.
• Embrace Vulnerability: Take the risk to be open and authentic to foster deeper connections. 

These friendships are not just emotionally fulfilling; they are considered essential for navigating the complexities of midlife and beyond, often contributing to greater longevity and mental well-being. In these friendships, it doesn’t feel bad telling a friend important news.  There is no secrecy to jobs, moving, raises, what is happening in lives.  There is just support.  Support in everything and that most certainly means you don’t have to beg for a place in someone’s life.  They are very willing to share news as they are aware you would do the same with them.  It is an equal partnership and soul connection.  

Check out: Reprogramming the Ego

A Study on Perpetuating Mean Girl Behavior as Adults

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