The Not-so-Subtle Art of Being a Good Friend

No matter how many years pass, if you are lucky enough to make a friend, a really good friend, maybe even someone you might call a best friend, just like a plant, without attention, time, and care, the friendship will not flourish.

A phone call, my friends reading this, is not enough to sustain a lasting friendship. Especially one made that feels like an obligation on your to-do list. You fit calling your friend in on the way home from work. Good. You have done that chore. But you never actually follow through with any plans to see this person, meet this person, grab coffee, lunch or dinner and the years go by. You don’t get any one-on-one time with them, so what was once a vibrant friendship built on mutual understanding, long talks about everything, being real and feeling seen, has now dwindled to fitting someone in as you walk into a grocery store.

It is possible you run into each other at group events, and perhaps that even feels like a box checked. You saw them…but did you really? Did you really SEE them? The answer is quite frankly, no. No, you did not. Idle chit chat is not the same thing as carving out time to keep up a connection with someone.

When you think back over the years that this person has perhaps been in your life, and conversations where they said let me know the time and place and I’ll be there. Perhaps they even opened up their home to you when you needed it, lending a hand while transitioning, driving you home from an appointment when you could not. Buying a plane ticket to see you. Saying hey, I saw this today and I thought of you.

Over the years the friend stops making the effort to go out with you because let’s face it, you don’t make time. Why would they want to answer your call when there’s so much to say but not enough connection between you anymore? The truth is. They start to decline your calls. They really would rather sit in silence with their thoughts because answering you and talking about the weather, your work, the day…isn’t really diving deep. And let’s face it, if they have now stopped asking you to lunch and you didn’t notice, who could blame them.

I ask you, my readers. What makes a good friendship last?

1. Effort and commitment. I would say the number thing is effort. There will be many excuses in life. There will be many bad days. But a friend who loves you as you would still make time to be with you in your worst day…kind of like marriage. For better or worse and trust me. If you can’t love your friend at their worst, then that friendship is not for you.
2. Support and connection. Emotional connection is great…unless the friend has blocked you from their actual feelings and you sense it. You have to be willing to be open and honest and not everyone has what it takes to continue that. In the world of fakery now, perhaps saying everything is fine, when in fact everything is NOT fine, is costing you your friendship. Emotionally closed off friendships are like talking to a brick wall. There is no support in that.
3. Reciprocity and trust. You can keep a secret. That means even from your partner if they ask you. And you will if that is what they ask. The kindnesses you do for each other can go back and forth with no push back.
4. Admitting when you are wrong. A lifetime of memories can sometimes remind you of a sibling. It doesn’t mean that the person you have hurt deserves to sit in that because you won’t be accountable. It means you both know when someone is being a stubborn friend. Maybe you give them space but be careful. Too much space might end the friendship.
5. Embrace different needs. You both might need different things at different times and if you are NOT open and honest, you will never know. If you know your friend likes connecting in person, but you aren’t able to provide that for a bit, you need to look at your schedule and be open. If your friend knows you are busy, but no matter how many times they invite you out and you always say no…well that is not the same. Stop repeating a pattern that is hurting your friend or at least acknowledge you see it.
6. Value your friend. Psychologist William James once said, “The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.” Hiding things from your friend makes them feel not appreciated and or valued. The opposite feeling is unwelcome. Take a moment to think about times you have made your friend feel unwelcome because you hid/omitted something and they had to find out from others.

You can take a deep dive into your own personality and think about if you wouldn’t like it done to you, then why in the world would you do it to others. Even a long-distance friendship can work, but if you friend says hey. I miss your face. It might even be code they have something they really want to share and it’s time to carve out time. It could even be a private Zoom chat with no interruptions but please don’t try to call them from the grocery store just to fit them in or fill them in on important information because trust me. It’s not about having time; it’s about making time for what is important.

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