Sometimes, you really just don’t see it. Maybe you have blinders on because you really are in “love”…or think this is what love is supposed to look like because it is all you know.
To be honest, maybe you are great in bed. I know many adults who have said that to me before as a reason to stay with someone. However, just as those people say that is a main reason they can’t leave them, they are “bed whipped” so to speak, not my words, but theirs, they agonize over the smallest details when that person is not near them. They start to wonder why they aren’t responding to the texts immediately, and what could be going on.
When they continue to repeat a dysfunctional or even (dare I say it) a narcissistic type relationship, they start to feel like they have been gas lighted, used, and emotionally manipulated all in one. A toxic love is one that can literally make one or both of you sick. Mentally and physically. A person I know very well, and love, caused himself much pain. Being as I am related to him, I wanted to protect him from the toxic cycle he had allowed to repeat in his life since one of his earliest relationships. Each time he got someone good, he literally destroyed it. With a stick of dynamite. Blew that shit from one end of the earth to the other. Literally.
On the opposite end, each time he was in a toxic cycle, it would last for years. A toxic love is one where both partners feel very good together, strong highs in the relationship, but when it becomes low, look out. All bets are off. Think Fatal Attraction…erm bunny scene. In a toxic love cycle, there is a repetitive trauma that plays out in the relationship. A continuous pattern…and usually it is extremely destructive on your mental state.
Knowing all this, what are 5 more reasons to move on? Here they are.
- You have been in therapy over this relationship for so long, that you feel mentally sick. The therapy has not helped, and the pattern continues to repeat. This is a huge sign it is time to move on and end the relationship right now. If you have not tried therapy, and you think it might help, I would do that sooner than later if you think you are in a toxic cycle.
- You no longer have any friends left…because the partner has been very clear about who you can see. This is a huge red flag. Do not isolate yourself for any relationship whatsoever. You will need your friends and this is a sign of being mistreated when it is an all or nothing type of treatment where you can only be with them.
- You think you made some of this up…because they told you that you did. The only thing is, you didn’t. They are trying to make you think you are crazy, which is a form of gas-lighting and emotional manipulation that can really make you un-well. It can cause a nervous breakdown…seriously.
- You are always angry…and then when you aren’t angry, you are sad or empty feeling. As if nothing will ever make you feel better. You might even think there’s no point anymore…and that you aren’t worthy of love. That is a big sign to get help, but also, that it’s time to move on. Instead of thinking you aren’t worthy, think about all the reasons you really are worthy and what you have to offer someone new. Think about how you would want to be treated and what that looks like. If you have kids, think about how this person should treat them. And lastly, think about how other people honestly, should like the person you are with. Because they can see that it works and you are genuinely happy. Not fake-happy and hiding it.
- You are done being the only one to try. Why is a relationship, which implies two people, only one person’s “fault” or one person’s job to fix? It really isn’t. If you for one second feel guilty because you think it’s all your fault, that is another tactic used by them and guilt is one of the lowest forms of energy that a toxic person will try to get you to feel. It is nasty and underhanded.
Here is more to help you:
- When guilt is a weapon, how do you respond?
- The Red Flags of Passive-Aggressive Behavior and How to Deal
- The Hypocrite’s Game: How not to play.
Lastly, I am not a counselor, but I do teach how to protect yourself from negative energy, coping skills, and how to find yourself again after one of these relationships. To find out more about what I do, visit the Head|Heart|Health Club. I do take private clients, but it’s on a very limited basis so read more under the work with me tab for that.