Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~Rumi
I posted this quote on the fan page yesterday and I started thinking about the “old days” when I didn’t believe there was anyone for me out there…and that there was no such thing as love at first sight. And again, no such thing as “the one”.
I remember thinking about how I had to change for each guy…and couldn’t really be myself. For one I felt I had to be older. For another, slim and sexy all the time. And the list went on. I was in my 20’s and not aware of how powerful it is to be comfortable in your own skin. Jealousy, guys who looked at other girls…and perhaps cheated, and said little things had created these notions in my head of what guys wanted. All of that was false. All of it. Those were what those people wanted, not everyone. No matter who you are reading this and whatever person has hurt you, that is that person…not everyone.
These walls that we put up to stop our hearts from being hurt, well they harden over time to the Great Wall of China and before we know it, we’ve added on to it so many times, and have put so many bricks in place.
Again, as Rumi teaches us, if we want to love, it’s our job to remove any barriers to it. Not other people. You can NOT project old barriers onto a new love. Repeat that. So let’s take a look at this.
- Do you have strings attached to your love? Have you noticed that you carry one over with you each time you start a new relationship? Why is that? If you can honestly look at your pattern here with strings attached, like I will only love this person if they do x, y, and z, and look this way, you can see what barriers you are putting on a new soul you meet. A soul that might not look like the others, and might come in a different package, but that you feel ready to love except for those pesky strings.
- Do you self-sabotage with crazy, irrational thoughts that come from a past love? Things are going very well for you, and then all of a sudden the new person says or does something and you think, my ex did that. Warning! Warning! Oh no, they are going to…and then you are off on all the things your ex did. You speak of it constantly (which by the way, the other person doesn’t need at all and it is not helpful), and compare them to someone from your past. You, my friend, not them, are bringing that baggage with you to this relationship. Look at your patterns and what you are projecting onto this new person before you sabotage your own happiness.
- Look at the types of people you attract…and look for a pattern. Do you want to break a harmful pattern (like the narcissist and empath one)? What kind of energy do you think you put out when you meet a new person? Like a moth to a flame are the people exactly the same? Make a list of the qualities you really want. The things you wish you’d attract and start thinking about those qualities. Is there a way to cultivate those qualities in a new relationship? One example might be not go to the same places to find people…maybe not date online, but ask a friend if they know anyone nice. I know, I know. Blind dates can be risky, but if the other route isn’t working, try something new. A library, a group of people on the Meet Up app, outdoorsy groups, yoga people, whatever it is, there literally is a group for that and we all know it. See if it’s where you are hanging out that is causing barriers.
- Seek some healing therapy like working out, yoga, mediation or even counseling if you feel you need a break from dating and fall back in love with yourself first. The key to feeling loved is that you have to believe you are worthy of love, and you are, but do you believe it? Don’t keep getting hurt without checking in and looking at this particular barrier. Worthiness is a real barrier if you don’t feel like you are deserving of love. Start with working on yourself first.
- Be open, and real. The fake barrier, the one where you wear a mask, that is old and over used. If you already can’t be yourself with someone you are putting up a barrier and it’s time to ask yourself why. Do you think they won’t like you if they know you have…a wart. A past. A flaw. Something you hide and never want them to know. Whatever it is, real love peels back the mask. Start with looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking how you would feel if they told you about something they were trying to hide. Would you love them any less? No. Not if it was real.
In the end, real love doesn’t have barriers because you work together with your partner to take them down one brick at a time. But you, my friend, have to be honest with yourself and do the work first. Take a look at love and think of all the reasons you are worthy and deserving of love right now.
More to read:
- 5 Things People who Value their Self-worth do Differently
- Life after a Narcissistic Relationship Ends
- 3 Things to do Instead of Ghost Someone