7 Ways to Create Balance When You Are Busy!

bal·ance
noun
noun: balance; plural noun: balances
  1. an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.  (just one example from Google).

As an entrepreneur, I think I am slightly addicted to creating new things.  Blogging, creating new course material, posting, scheduling, drafting newsletters, recording material, and of course engaging with my closed group.  When I am not thinking about my business, I am probably trying to “rest” which then involves me daydreaming about ways to get more people engaged in their own lives and what I can do to help them take back their lives…which means I am daydreaming about work technically.

In my off time, I then watch yoga or read about yoga, or even pin yoga sequences which gets me thinking about how to help people with my next yoga class.  You get my drift.  I am actually relaxed to a certain degree thinking about ways to help others. 

Here is where I start to realize that I really have to strive to create that balance between “starting work” and taking time off from “work”.  Chances are, if you are reading this, you are trying to figure out how to create more balance in your life as well.

I began to go over the same routines that I have created for my Head|Heart|Health Club because I know that in order to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk.  Who wants a wellness coach that isn’t able to find time for balance?  Not me.

Creating balance in your head.

The mind needs to rest.  One of the things that most of my clients tell me is that in order to create a more peaceful life, they have to stop the anxiety and over thinking.  This creates a cycle of stress in the mind, which then leads to the would haves, should haves, and could haves.  The thing is, if you could have, you would have, and it’s too late to go back and change the should have.  We can only move forward.  So how do we begin?

7 Ways to Create More Balance:

  1. Create this balance.  I teach a version of journal therapy that embraces the whole self.  The things we try to even hide from our heads.  Any illusions about who you are get stripped away until you find yourself realizing that for the first time in your life, you can create yourself anew.  I give you the resources to explore how you want to feel and what steps you take to create this new balance.
  2. Shift into being.  I will admit, this one took me some time to grasp.  Shifting from thinking, into being involves listening to what my heart has to say as well as my head.  It can’t be one-sided as that is definitely not balanced.  If I start to feel like a stagnant pond, what can I do to get the water flowing again?  I make a list of things that shift me into being.  For example, meditation, exercise, gardening, walking, and of course yoga all shift me into that fluid motion of being.  What would be on your list?
  3. Manage your time.  Have you set a timer as you are working in order to create that space you need just to breathe?  Do you have a sticky note on your calendar that you will see first thing in the morning that says “Stop at noon to eat.”  You might laugh, but how many people work through lunch?  Lots.  How many people umm hold the urge to take a bathroom break?  How is that staying balanced my friend?  It’s not serving your body to fight its natural rhythm.
  4. Stay on track.  Okay, so perhaps you didn’t do a good job yesterday and the meeting ran longer, you ate over your desk, and you picked the kids up late…like the last one to arrive at daycare.  Here is a good moment to say, do I want to continue to live like this?  Is this stress worth these extra few moments of work?  How am I being when I pick my kids up?  Am I in the moment or am I on my phone trying to still work?  What will they remember?  What example am I setting?  <<< Yes.  This might depress the hell out of you to think about, but think about it for a moment.  Not to feel guilty, as that won’t help.  But to make changes to your schedule.
  5. Build extra time.  Set your alarm 5 minutes earlier.  In that 5 minutes, align yourself to HOW you want your day to look.  Really think about it.  You have all the time in the world (this is a visualization), your drive to work goes smoothly as you listen to your favorite music.  Once you get into work flow, things go exactly how you want.  You look up 5 minutes before lunch and are ready to take a break.  You walk outside for a while just to unwind before you eat your lunch mindfully.  Thinking about how great your life is.  As the day winds down, you leave work 10 minutes early…not late.  Everything is as it should be and you feel balanced.  Complete.  Visualizations are key to creating this shift into building the life you want.
  6. Face your fears.  Naturally, things come up that derail us.  If you know my story, you know that balance in the face of illness is difficult, but necessary.  I don’t want to hear “I don’t have time for that.”  None of us think we do until it is too late to do anything about the heart attack, high blood pressure, stroke, etc, etc.  Being proactive about creating this balance will help you face your fears and examine your excuses.  If you missed the last check-up, call today.  If you splurged on the cheat day, start over.  Just move forward and do the best you can.  That’s all anyone can do.  Don’t beat yourself up over your past mistakes.
  7. Live life now.  You guys.  My friend D is fighting cancer again for the second time.  Life is meant to be lived to the fullest while we work on creating this balance.  Life is hard.  It doesn’t come with an instruction manual and Lord knows I don’t have all the answers.  I don’t think I would want them…I would ask for a cure for cancer, but other than that right now, I don’t want to know what is going to happen in my future.  Life is what is happening right now.  The present moment is the one in which we start to create this balance that is necessary for our well-being.

I could not go back and change the events of my past and to be honest, I would not be where I am today if my road hadn’t been full of pit stops, booby traps, and surprises.  However, it was also full of wonder, love, and empowering moments that helped shape my wellness coaching for the better.  I would love to have you on this journey with me in my closed group as we travel through the head, heart, and soul of the matter into holistic healing.  Thank you for reading my friends.

7 Questions to Ask When Dealing with a Trigger

UpsetA guest post by Heather Durling

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been dealing with some very deeply buried triggers that exist in my conscious and subconscious mind. I’ve done a lot of work in healing from my abusive childhood, so I thought I was doing pretty well. Out of nowhere, which is usually how these things go, I was shown that I still had some clearing up and cleaning out to do.

Now, my first initial reaction to these nasty triggers was to be angry, feeling as if I hadn’t come as far as I had hoped in my healing and recovery. The secondary reaction was to feel hopeless in the sense that I would never be able to completely heal. The final reaction was to look at myself and say, “I’m done allowing this to have power over me. I want to move on from this.”

This is where your power lies, these “I” statements that affirm and confirm that you are ready, willing, and able to do the work of opening up the proverbial can of worms and start sorting them out.

The way I handled my triggers was to seek help from two coaches that I have been blessed to personally know. I was willing to be asked the right questions and ready to dig deep to find the answers. You may have heard this one before – “You know the answers, and you always have. You have to be willing to see them.” When I allowed myself to go there, to really look, feel and see what was causing the physical and emotional reactions, I was able to start cleaning off some very old corrosion on my connection to myself, my heart, and my spirit.

In Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book, “Excuses Be Gone,” he tells us to ask ourselves the following: “First of all, is it true? Can you be 100% sure that what you’re saying is true? Don’t believe everything you think. Almost everything that you think doesn’t hold up to a simple-truth test.”

How do you know what to ask yourself, or where to look within, when seeking if how you are feeling is true?

Where a lot of people seem to struggle, is exactly where I got stuck. When these powerful triggers struck me, one being very physical where I lost my ability to speak and literally froze for a few moments, and the other an emotional reaction to being made to feel less than – it was very difficult to know what to do with them. Most of the time, we ride them out, waiting for them to subside. However, if you can learn how to ask yourself the right questions when a trigger is in full force, you can start to heal from it.

When a trigger hits you, ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What is it that person is triggering within you?
  2. What are you feeling? (i.e. anger, sadness, etc.)
  3. Where are you feeling it? Be still for a moment and sense if it’s in your head, heart, gut, etc.
  4. Can you tap into why it makes you feel that way?
  5. Who was it in your past that made you feel this way?
  6. Have you forgiven yourself for allowing it, and have you forgiven them for doing it?
  7. Ask yourself – how they made you feel, is it true?

That final question, “Is it true?” will almost always prove to be false when it’s a trigger. They are often caused by someone else’s belief that was downloaded into you, or by a trapped emotional reaction that hasn’t been released, such as feeling powerless, terrified, hurt, and betrayed.

Once you have done the work of cleaning out all of the “stuff” that is causing the trigger to engage, you have gained power over it. Then it’s time to redo your “I” statement. For an example, with the strong physical trigger, I was hit with, the original “I” statement that was happening was: “I am in danger, I am afraid.” After going through the steps, asking the questions, and finding the answers, I was able to change that statement to: “I am in control. I am safe.” Saying that still brings an emotional reaction of tears to my eyes, but it’s because I’m still in the process of accepting those words. However, I will keep repeating that statement until it becomes as strong as the lie it has replaced.

It takes practice, just as it took practice for you to learn how to walk. You fell, A LOT. However, your powerful desire to walk fiercely outweighed the temporary moments of falling. This will take time; it is a process, so please remember to be kind to yourself while going through it, knowing that you will eventually learn how to walk away, leaving the past behind you once and for all.

About Heather Durling:  Founder of The Phoenix Gathering, Practitioner, and Personal Coach for adult survivors of child abuse. She is a fellow survivor who strives to learn new ways to thrive, while sharing her knowledge with those on their own healing journey. She is also a co-facilitator for a local support group, speaker, writer, and a closet herb mad scientist.  She is a guest in the Head|Heart|Health Club as we learn to shift our thoughts.  <<< click on the link for more.

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Why worry strips you of POWER (and what to do about it)!

Worry strips power

Worry.  Worry is one of the most useless habits that I have.  Worry strips power.  It changes nothing at all, and yet I physically feel drained.  It doesn’t help me in any way, shape or form, and yet it is still there.  Trying to get my attention.

This could go wrong, it screams in my head.  You have busted your knee up for good girl, screams the voice.  You made so much progress, but it’s all gone now.  UGH.  None of this is helping me at all.  So yesterday, I told it where it could go.  And it stayed there all day long.  It really did.

I know that in practicing yoga and creating lasting mindful habits, I am happier.  I know that wearing a knee brace and worrying that my MCL is not healing correctly is ruminating and I get that from certain family members.  It hasn’t helped them either by the way.  Let me explain.  I have been to the doctor.  I have had it checked out.  I am following what he said to do.  However; every other day a person named “dad” calls me to “worry” about my knee with me.

I have two daughters, so I get it.  I really do.  But worry doesn’t prevent anything from happening UNLESS you were actually using it to create some plan of attack on the battlefield or something.  Maybe it was designed to help us at one point way in the past.  However, my dad must be planning an attack on everything in his life.  Whew, it’s exhausting.  And he knows this, so I finally had to say if my knee comes up one more time, he had to give me money.  HAHAHAHA.  One thing that will keep him quiet…money.

How to take back your Power:

  1. Name the worry.  Acknowledge it.  Say hi to it, then put it in time-out.  I did that yesterday.  I created a how-to video for yoga on modifications with an MCL injury.  I was very, very careful and know that I am getting a re-check today anyway.
  2. Staying present took its power away.  I mindfully cleaned my living room.  Thinking about each task.  Didn’t go to past or future, but stayed in the present moment on purpose.  I didn’t day dream…for once.  I made sure I started my day by grounding with 3 deep breaths.
  3. Emotions are just that.  They pass.  Anger, shame, guilt, and worry.  All pass.  This will pass.  This anxiety will pass.  This feeling will pass.  I know it as I have lived through other “worries” that never came to pass.
  4. Don’t encourage it.  I didn’t want to be rude to dad, but I also didn’t want to talk about the same thing each and every day without it going anywhere.  That’s like the old saying about worry being like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.  I don’t feel like being that person anymore.  I am creating boundaries around this that it can’t get through.
  5. Be real.  Okay, so it’s natural to worry a bit.  As long as you don’t stay there.  What can you do instead though?  Everyone in my Head|Heart|Health Club knows that I am going to ask you if you are putting the work into what you DO want to happen and take it away from what you don’t want to happen.  How you manage life is up to you.  If you start to notice this pattern, remember that it is truly up to you to change.  Redirect this energy to Empower.

Still need more help in this area?  Want to practice taking back your power on a regular basis?  Join us!

Inhale confidence.

 

Put Down Your Phone…and Other Tips for a Relationship.

Put down your phoneListen, I am not trying to get everyone mad at me right now, but I remember when texting first came out.  I thought to myself “This is so dumb.  I can just call you and scrolling through every letter takes forever.”  Seriously, it did.  Or I could page someone.  I am totally laughing at that because we used to think only doctors or drug dealers ran out of the room after getting a page.

If I have already lost you, perhaps you are a wee bit younger than I am.  For those willing to listen to my advice, I want to describe a whole new world.

In college, we met our friends at a lunch area that had an open table area.  We would sit on tables, chairs, the wall whatever to get closer to people and chat.  We would laugh so loud and so long about inside jokes that we dreaded getting up from the tables and drifting off to class.  We would meet later, the brothers, and the sisters, at one of the grills on the campus and cook up some food.  I can see, hear and smell it right now.  It was called engagement with your fellow people and it was life. 

Whether one fraternity was putting on a show on the great lawn for the girls or whether the soccer dudes were out there, it didn’t matter.  We walked around with our heads held high…making eye contact.  Laughing with the friend next to us.  I don’t think we knew how good we had it.

When I met my husband, he was not in a fraternity.  He had been staring at me when I went to the computer center.  That’s right, we had a place to use computers since we didn’t really have laptops back then.  Anyway, I went to print out my paper for English, one of a bazillion on Tolkien, Grendel, Vonnegut, Shakespeare or possibly Don Quixote, who knows, and the printer didn’t work.  He yelled over his shoulder it wouldn’t work and kept walking.  The rudeness.  Little did I know that we would start dating.

When we ended up across from each other in class that fall, I almost went through the floor.  It was that dude who I thought liked me, yet didn’t really know how to speak to me.  Luckily, his wing-man did.  He helped him chat with me as he ran cable in the English tutoring center I worked in.  We met face to face and chatted for hours after the initial shy period was over.  Then we would chat on the phone for hours.  Then we would go out and chat.  But the entire time, if I hadn’t been able to read his eyes or if he had been looking down or away from me during this time, I would have thought he didn’t like me, and that would have been wrong.  

The culture has changed so much now that I feel like people need to remember what it used to be like just 20 years ago…which really wasn’t that long in the past.

Put down your phone so you can…

  • Make eye contact.
  • Read the person’s body language.
  • Be fully present with the experience.
  • Know that they are interested by HOW they are being.
  • Not texting other people to already meet up while you are on a date.
  • Not using the phone as an escape.
  • Ask each other important questions.
  • Pay attention to little cues on how they treat others…like the waiter or waitress.
  • Allowing things to just be.  Can you be okay in stillness?
  • Be genuine with each other and not have a mask in place.
  • Ask about their day…and listen.
  • Go on a walk…and put phones in glove box.
  • Plan small outings to learn more about the other person.  The real person.
  • The highlights are on the phone…but what happens during bad times?  Are they there for you?
  • Can you cook together?
  • Think about the pet peeves together and plan ways to overcome the conflicts.
  • Don’t forget to say out loud, I like you.  Just liking the photos isn’t enough or proclaiming your undying love on the social feeds.
  • Meet the family…and really pay attention to what the dynamic is like.
  • Do you eat at the table or in front of the T.V.?  Where are the phones?
  • Laugh with each other.  Long and loud and free.
  • Be silly.  It’s okay.
  • Date like you just met…even if it’s been 20 years.
  • Let anything go from the past, and start today, to live in the present.

The truth is, these tips can be for friends, partners, or spouses, it doesn’t matter.  I love that my husband’s friend jokingly named everything “horrible” about our relationship the other night.  It was that we aren’t like other married people, and that we are both secure in our relationship of almost 21 years…enough so that when my brothers call me, and they still do, I can go out and hang with them and chat about the old times.

I enjoy the face-to-face time and the just being.  The bonds of friendship can be a beautiful thing when they are built on trust and love, just like the beginning of a relationship.  But one thing is for sure, you have to cultivate it, care for it, and nurture it too.  You also have to admit when you are just going through the motions.  So, I hope this inspired you to have a tech free date night…or a tech free family night.  Live like it’s the 90’s…or earlier.

 

When Guilt is a Weapon. How do you respond?

Guilt as a weapon

Advice was needed.  I read the message and knew immediately someone was being manipulated…yet again.  Manipulation is when someone uses tactics, such as guilt, to try to make you do something you might not normally want to do…or even consider doing.

When guilt is used as a weapon, many things can occur. 

Guilt can actually cause physical pain, mental pain, and is a powerful emotion that sometimes overrides reason.  The body was light just moments before reading a guilt-inducing message, and now the body begins to feel heavy.  The heaviness can be associated with feelings of resentment.  If you have truly done something wrong, guilt is a natural emotion; however, manipulative people use it as a weapon, and that is not acceptable.

In my closed group, we are exploring the boundaries we need to put in place when someone purposely tries to make us feel this way.  This can be saying yes when we really mean no, taking on more work when we already have a full plate, or even having other friends trying to make you feel like it is your fault that they aren’t getting something done because you said no.  Did you just nod your head or get shivers up your spine?

There are several characteristics of someone who uses guilt as a weapon. 

  • It isn’t always obvious at first, that they are trying to make you feel bad.
  • They might also use emotional manipulation tactics.
  • They might be your partner, and use wording like “If you cared about me, you would…”
  • They get angry when you enforce boundaries…because they know you are onto them.
  • Guilt doesn’t forgive as easily as someone who builds relationships out of trust.
  • They pretend to be the martyr…doing you a favor.
  • And the empaths favorite manipulator, the narcissistic friend.

So how do you deal with the weaponized guilt?

  1. The first thing you have to do is to decide you are done.  Quite simply, done.  This is your life, not theirs.  Any other answer lets them push the boundaries time and time again.
  2. The truth is, you have something they want to use.  So use it to your advantage, not theirs and make a plan.  They are trying to make you feel insecure for what reason??  Write it down and think about their motives.
  3. Can you stand up for yourself with the truth?  Here is your test.  Disentangle yourself from this situation without using the word “sorry”.  You have nothing to be sorry for, and your time is valuable as well.  Write down your truth in one sentence that makes you feel empowered.  You have always had the power, remember that.
  4. Put on your cape…and go.  You have been used, yes.  But put your cape on and do not feel guilty.  They are trying to use your insecurity against you, but look back over what you have that they want.  Your cape is your truth.  You are worthy of great friends, good relationships, and a positive work ethic.  Not one that makes you constantly feel used and underappreciated (can insert not feeling like shit in your journal).  What is the opposite of that feeling?  Use the words to surround yourself in this cape of truth and protection.

While this message is for a friend of mine, it also goes for all of you reading this.  Don’t let someone shift this guilt to you and tell you how they think you are feeling at this moment.  Again, that is their interpretation of the situation.  Move far, far away from the mind games, and the use of them saying things “people have been telling me…” what people?  No one.  They made that up.

Do not let them use self-pity and if it face to face, as it never is, back it up with body language as well; however, if it is a message, do not prolong the chat.  Short and concise truth statements is all they need.  Not a back and forth.  The longer you draw it out, the more they will twist and try to give you reasons to crumble.  Stand in your truth today.

Want to work more fully on releasing guilt and setting boundaries?  Join us today!

 

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Mindfully Free of Wanting People to Be a Certain Way

Mindfully Free of Wanting People to Be a Certain Way

Guest post by Leo Babauta

One of the biggest sources of difficulties for every single human being is the desire for people to be a certain way.

We can’t seem to help it: we want the world to be the way we want it. Unfortunately, reality always has different plans, and people behave in less-than-ideal ways.

The problem isn’t other people. It’s our ideals.

Yes, I think it would be great if people stopped killing animals for food and fashion, and became vegan instead. But that’s not the reality I’m faced with, and it’s not going to happen for quite some time, if ever.

Yes, I think it would be great if my kids behaved perfectly all the time, but that’s not the reality of kids. Or any human beings, for that matter.

Yes, it would be great if my wife always agreed with me, but that’s not going to happen.

So the problem is:

  • We have ideals about how people should act, or ways we’d like them to be.
  • People don’t act in those ideal ways, or aren’t the way we’d like them to be.
  • We get bothered by that reality. Frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, stressed.
  • This makes us unhappy, and damages our relationships with others.

This is obviously not great.

We have a couple of options:

  1. Stick rigidly to the way we want people to be, and be upset when they don’t meet those ideals.
  2. Stick rigidly to the way we want people to be, and try really hard to make them be that way. (This pretty much never works.)
  3. Let go of the ideals and be happier and less frustrated.

When we think about it this way, it’s obvious that option 3 is the best route. We’ll talk about this option soon, but let’s talk about a couple of objections first.

Objections to Letting Go

When people are confronted with the idea of letting go of their ideals about other people, they usually have a few objections:

  • Objection: But then people get away with bad behavior. There’s a difference between wanting someone to behave a certain way (and getting upset when they don’t) … and accepting that a person is acting a certain way, and then compassionately finding an appropriate response. In the first case, you are angry at them for their behavior, and your response out of anger is likely to make things worse. In the second case, you aren’t bothered too much, but can see that their behavior is harmful and want to help them not harm. You can’t actually control them, but you can try to help. If you try to help but need them to accept your help, then it will be continued frustration. Help but let go of the ideal outcome you’d like from your offered help.
  • Objection: But what about abusive behavior? There’s a difference between being agonized about the abuse, and accepting that the person is abusive and taking appropriate action. Letting go of your ideals about how the abusive person should act doesn’t mean you let them abuse you. It just means you accept that they are an abuser, while taking the appropriate action of getting away from them, and reporting them or seeking help for them if it’s appropriate. Don’t leave yourself in a place where you’re being harmed, but that doesn’t mean you have to be afflicted by someone else’s actions.
  • Objection: But then we don’t make the world a better place. If people behave in less-than-ideal ways, you can agonize about it while trying to change them, or you can accept that the world is not ideal … but calmly and compassionately work to help others. In both cases, you’re trying to do good … but in the second case, you’re not agonizing about how things are.

So these objections are all about wanting to change people’s bad behavior. This article is about inner acceptance of “bad” behavior (or what I think of as “not ideal”) … but once you have inner acceptance, you can take appropriate external action. That might be helping, being compassionate, getting to safety, talking calmly and lovingly to someone, reporting abusive behavior, getting counseling, or many more appropriate actions that come from a place of love, compassion and understanding rather than frustration and anger.

Letting Go of Ideals

So how do you let go of wanting people to be a certain way?

First, reflect on how these ideals are harming you and others. This wanting your way, this wanting a specific version of reality … is making you frustrated, unhappy, angry. It’s harming your relationship. It’s likely making the other person unhappy as well. This is all caused by an attachment to expectations and ideals.

Next, reflect on wanting yourself and others to be happy. If the ideals and expectations are harming yourself and others … wouldn’t it be nice to stop harming yourself? Wouldn’t it be nice to be happy instead of frustrated? Think about the desire to have a better relationship with other people as well, and for them to be happier in their relationship with you. This is your intention, and it is one of love.

Third, notice the ideals and frustrations as they arise. See when someone else is frustrating you, and reflect on what ideal you’re holding for them. How do you want them to behave instead? Don’t get caught up in your story of why they should behave that way, but instead just take note of the ideal. See that this ideal is harming you. Decide that it’s not useful to you.

Also notice your mental pattern of resentment when someone doesn’t meet your expectations, and decide to try to catch it early. It’s a pattern you can be aware of and catch early, and decide to change your pattern.

Next, mindfully observe the tightness. Turn your attention to your body, the tightness that comes from holding on to this ideal. Pay attention to how it feels, the quality of the energy in your body, where it’s located, how it changes. In this moment of observing, you are awake, rather than being stuck in the daydream of your story about why this person should be behaving differently.

At this point, you can decide to try a different pattern.

A Different Way

So now, you can practice a different way of being.

Here are some ideas I’ve found useful:

  • Instead of fixing on one way this person (or situation) should be, be open to other possibilities. Open yourself to lots of different ways this person or situation can be.
  • Try to understand the person, rather than judging them based on limited information. Try to understand why they’d act this way — perhaps they are afraid. Perhaps they’re suffering in some way. Perhaps this is their strategy for protecting themselves.
  • Try to see the good-hearted nature of their actions, rather than one where they are a bad person. For example, you might see that they are tender-hearted and afraid, and so are acting out of fear. Or they just want to be happy, and this is their strategy for being happy. Or maybe they have good intentions and want to help, but are misguided. We all have a good heart deep down inside, but it might take several layers to see that. Anger can stem from jealousy which stems from insecurities and fear, which stems from a tender-hearted worry that we’re not good enough. The angry action isn’t justified, but there is still a good heart at the core.
  • See their suffering that causes their actions and know that you have suffered in the same way. Remember how that suffering feels, so you can see what they’re going through. Compassionately wish for an end to their suffering.
  • Tell yourself that you don’t know how people should act. Honestly, I don’t always know how I should act … I am fooling myself if I think I know how other people should act. Instead, I might be curious about their actions.
  • See the other person as a teacher. They are helping you practice mindfulness, and let go of your old patterns. They are teaching you about reality vs. ideals, about how humans act.
  • Relax. Seriously, see the tightness you’re holding, and just relax. Smile. Be happy in this present moment.
  • Practice see the goodness in the other person, in yourself, and in the present moment. There is always an underlying goodness in this moment, if you choose to notice. Trust in this goodness, and you’ll be afraid less and happier more.

These are some practices. Try them, practice them over and over. I think you’ll be happier for it, and every relationship will be better.

Do you need more mindful living in your life?  Check out the Head|Heart|Health Club.

Are You Keeping it Alight?

Are You Keeping It Alight?

Guest post

You know that situation, the one that feels uncomfortable, the one you’d love to disappear?

It may be hard to hear this, but it could be YOU that’s keeping it alight!

I come across lots of situations like this, and my favourite way to explain them is to liken them to beautiful, roaring campfire.

Continue to add logs to the dancing orange flames, fuel it with attention and the fire will keep raging.  Stop adding fuel to the fire and it will fizzle out. Without energy and attention, the fire will naturally come to an end.

So let’s go back to the situation that’s making you feel super uncomfortable – are you adding fuel to it?  Now you’re aware that putting time, energy and attention into something, anything, makes it continue to thrive, do you think it might be time to stop adding the logs?

We don’t mean to fuel these negative situations or circumstances.  And most of the time we aren’t actively seeking out drama, it simply comes knocking at our door, and often brings out the worst in us.

You know that saying, “ah, well, they couldn’t let it lie”? That usually comes after a situation has escalated out of control, because people have kept on popping energy and attention into it.

 

So how can we let the fire fizzle out?

#1        Detachment

Sometimes the very best way to protect ourselves is to detach from these situations.  Remove the energy and attention.  After all, our energy is a precious commodity.  We need to use it wisely!

#2        Raise Our Awareness

Instead of attaching our thoughts and efforts to negative and angsty situations (which will draw in more of the same) it’s better to raise our awareness. If we can catch ourselves in this downward spiral before it gets out of hand, we won’t get lost in the flames.

#3        Apply Some Momentum

We need to focus on how we can move forward, and avoid being sucked in by the drama. Without positive momentum, the negativity will seep its way into all aspects of our lives.

#4        Focus on Positivity

Once our momentum’s up and running, we can look at the bigger picture from a different place.  We can see more objectively and appreciate how that situation could have depleted our energy, had we not made a conscious choice to rise above it and use it more productively.

#5        Channel Your Energy in a Way That Serves You Best

What have you been neglecting to fuel lately? Are there things you’d love to do? This is where your logs (energy, time and attention) are best spent.

It’s time to step out of the drama and make a choice as to where the logs need to be placed.  Choose your fire wisely and it will serve you well.

 

 

 

Emma Holmes is CEO & Founder of Coaching Rockstars – best described as a ‘hatchery’ for entrepreneurs with soul!

Coaching Rockstars helps heart-centred and soulful entrepreneurs to build big businesses without the icky, pushy tactics that come with most strategy and advice.www.coachingrockstars.com

7 Signs that Your Relationship is the Right One

I remember the feeling of relationships just not quite clicking.  I would possibly ignore the signs that they were not going to work out, and I can look back now and think, why did I ignore that??

I should have been looking for signs that the relationship was actually the right one, and not ignoring the signs that it was, in fact, the wrong one for me.

Years have passed since then, and I have seen my girlfriends struggle through people using them, hurting them, and talking to them like they are not worthy.  The last one is what always pisses me off.  The first thing I am here to tell you is that you, whoever you are reading this right now, are worthy of Love. 

Here are 7 Signs that your Relationship is the Right One:

  1. Your partner is your best friend.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t have your best friend from high school still.  No, but what it does mean, is that if you needed someone to be there for you, he/she would drop everything and be there.  THIS is a true sign.  I remember being in a relationship with a narcissist, and realizing that I needed to get the hell out of there, and fast.  He had the most excuses in the universe for never being there when I needed him…and if he could fit me in, I had to drive to him.
  2. You only have eyes for this person, and they only have eyes for you.  To this day, my husband and I can joke around about people we think are attractive in movies, but in real life, my mom said that was how she knew it was not just some passing romance.  And, to be honest, I wasn’t sure at first as both of us had ended long relationships right before we met.  However, after 2 months, I no longer thought it was a rebound relationship.  I no longer thought about anyone else at all.  It was quite scary at first because I had spent years with someone else and so had he.  I also never, seriously, ever, believed in the “You’ll just know” saying until this point.
  3. You can be you.  With the ermmmm more narcissistic folks I had previously attracted, I felt like I had to make an effort to look good, and that included when I didn’t feel like it.  Some people enjoy putting on make-up, doing their hair daily, and dressing up.  And that is fine, as long as it is what you like to do.  The first time my husband, then college boyfriend, and I traveled to a hiking spot and campground with some friends, I didn’t feel like packing a hair dryer or anything.  It was camping.  I needed my hiking shoes, and warm stuff.  It was much colder than expected at that time of year.  I didn’t care about the hair, but after using the camp showers, I was freezing.  We dried my hair using his heat vents in his beat up car.  Boom.  He kept staring at me.  No effort needed.
  4. You can be weird together.  So.  Fancy a game of Dungeon and Dragons?  Well, my husband did.  Again, think college, but it was quite an honor to be taught D & D as the only girl in a secret-ish society of geek boys.  I know you are thinking of Big Bang Theory right now…and it’s true.  The difference is, I had previously kept my love of fantasy things somewhat close to the vest.  Not anymore.  Wooo-hoooo.  Dice.  All the dice.  I can be an elf?  Sweet.  I can have a bow?  Why not.  Accepting all the parts of who they are includes a little bit of weirdness at times…but it might not be weird to them.  If you have something you are afraid to share about you, see what happens.  You might end up with a new D & D partner.
  5. When you think about them, you get a little rush.  Maybe it feels like butterflies in your stomach, or maybe it’s just that anticipation of them holding you, but whatever it is, you still feel it.  After 2 months, 2 years, or 21.  Yup…21 years of a rush.  Woosh. They don’t spend time thinking about what’s wrong with you…like perhaps others did.  Or if you would only lose a few more pounds, drop that person by the way, they love you for who you are.  Right now.  Now future you.  Past you.  Present day, in all your glorious mess, you.
  6. You can work through your problems.  So you had a fight.  It is okay.  It is not all your fault.  If someone makes you think it is entirely your fault…well, arguments are part of life.  You both have to own up to whatever it is without throwing in the kitchen sink as well.  Or that other person you dated gets thrown in your face, or whatever it was that is past.  You don’t resort to low blows if possible because guess what?  They aren’t needed.  You learn to work on your open communication and that really does mean facing problems together.  Not secretly.  Not avoiding.  Not hiding.
  7. You can’t imagine your life without them.  I do still need my alone time, don’t get me wrong, but this is different.  I don’t want to do too much without him because I actually miss him.  I can’t sleep right, think fully, or operate well when we are apart.  I know that it is the same way with him.  The difference is, if you would rather be with friends or another interesting possible new flame, then it’s definitely time to think about what you are looking for in a partner.  Luckily, my soul knew long before my head caught up.  Things felt like they were missing with other people, but I thought it was me.  It was actually just my soul trying to guide me out of those relationships, and into the “One” that was meant for me.

Nothing is perfect my friends.  Love is messy, complicated, and it makes you want to scream at times; however, nothing is worse than staying in the wrong relationship thinking it is you.  You are worthy of true love and stepping out of that narcissistic or failing relationship, will really give you the space you need to be true to you.  This month, I invite you to do the work within.  Come join us in the Head|Heart|Health Club.

Boundary Setting and the Empath.

Whew.  This week y’all.  In a few years, people might be reading this article and not know what the energy feels like right now, so let me explain it as best I can.  Many people are dipping heavily into a low-vibration right now around the world.  This is based on true scientific evidence, but for more information read my linked post.  Basically, we shouldn’t feel guilty for the low-vibration energy or negative vibes we feel coming our way right now, but we have to recognize the signs and start putting firm boundaries in place today!

If you are sensitive to other energies, feel like there are times you can actually put yourself in someone’s shoes and feel their pain, you might be an empath.

Empaths have a hard time saying no to people and situations because they want to help and don’t like to cause hurt feelings.  This is a very real thing that starts to drain the empath over time until they just have nothing left to give their own health and wellness.  Sometimes, it takes an entire year to recover from being depleted.

How can boundary setting help?

Setting clear boundaries can protect your own energy and thus keep you from becoming completely wiped out.  It is very essential!!

What can I do to set clear boundaries?

  1. The first thing that I always go to, is of course, my goal setting and intentions.  How do I want to feel after a day?  A week?  A month?  What do I have left to give other people?  If you have to, imagine it like your energy batteries.  When they are completely drained, how long will you last?
  2. When you are out, do you just HAVE to answer that call, text or message from that one friend?  What happens if you don’t?  How do you feel when you say, I can’t talk right now.  I am busy, but will get back to you later.  Do you feel okay?  Do they act weird??  If they act like it’s the worst thing in the world to wait, keep doing it and watch for signs.  Repeated pushing of your boundaries needs to be addressed.  Pronto.
  3. Notice where you put your attention.  Pause before you answer that message.  If you are at work and someone asks you to do something to help them before you are finished with what you already have on your plate, notice how you feel.  Pause and reflect.  Are you giving off the message that you drop your work to help others therefore creating this open invitation?  What happens when you pause and say, I don’t have time right now, but ask me tomorrow.
  4. Make a list of your self-care needs.  If you say “What is self-care?”…you might need to make a list.  Also, you can open the linked post:)
  5. Figure out who tries to cross the line…repeatedly.  This is usually the person who goes right into their story as soon as you answer the phone or message.  I am not talking about your best-friend who needs advice occasionally, nope.  I am talking about the person who needs you all the time.  24/7 and the story is probably the same exact one.  They are using the narcissistic friend cycle of guilt on you.  Every time you think you have helped, the next day they come back again.  It’s the same thing week after week.  Whew.  It drains you repeatedly.

I hope these tips help you and feel free to come on board the Head|Heart|Health Club where will be practicing safe boundaries all month-long and diving deep into our own worth. <<< Click the linked word for more.  We are releasing guilt, shame, and unworthy feelings by learning how to step into our own power by creating new habits that really support our lifelong journey in our heads, hearts and health.

5 Things People Who Value Their Self-Worth Do Differently

As you drift off to sleep each night, you begin to dread the next day and it hasn’t even happened yet.  You wonder if anyone would even notice if you didn’t show up for work.  You are tired of going through the motions when it seems other people are out there living.  What are they doing differently??  You ask yourself this question for the hundredth time.  How are they making it look so damn easy when each and every day is a struggle just to get out of bed…

5 Things People Who Value Their Self-Worth Are Doing:

  1. Secure people are making time for their self-care routines.  That doesn’t mean they are ignoring everyone else, it just means they know how important it is to put the oxygen mask on first in order to help others.  This is a huge block for most people.  You feel selfish.  The opposite of that is actually caring.  you are caring for yourself like no one else will, and you better believe you have every right to feel good.
  2. Confident people set firm boundariesNo means no.  They don’t say things like “I’m sorry, but…” and then explain why because that might leave a hole for some wiggle room.  I said no to someone recently based on my own self-care and then got a but what if.  Umm.  No.  I said no, I mean no.  Don’t let the other person make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself.  If this were reversed surely they wouldn’t feel guilty, right?  So don’t feel the need to explain yourself.  Again, only you can set your limits.
  3. Courageous people accept responsibility for their own lives.  In my talk today, I used a quote from Brené Brown “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”  When we stand in our own glorious mess, we don’t project or deflect the blame.  We step up and say here I am.  This is my life and I am entirely responsible for HOW I am being.  How I am showing up, and what I am throwing down.  Can I get an amen or a right on sister here?  This is such a vital lesson that many don’t learn their whole lives.
  4. Brave people let go of past guilt.  This is so hard.  Everything up until this moment has been a choice and just like I said today in my talk, if you could have done better back then, you really would have.  You were doing the best that you could, so let that shit go.  Yup (pooh doesn’t have the same effect).  Guilt is just another block on the path to accepting yourself so you can use it as a paver or stepping stone.  See it, acknowledge it, but lay it on down.
  5. Positive people don’t stay around negative influences.  They know when it’s time to move on.  This can be at work, avoiding those gossiping ladies, or even in a relationship that just isn’t working out for you anymore.  Whatever it is, know when it’s time to move on down the road.  Sing the song “Moving On Up” in your head as you get away from these situations.  Seriously.  The Jefferson’s approve.  Higher vibrations are much better for you anyway.

If you are interested in the whole FB Live chat, see this link here.  Next month, in the Head|Heart|Health Club we are going to be removing the blocks to worthiness, letting go of guilt, and working on replacing these old patterns of thought with new ones.  I am super excited about the content and can’t wait to have you join us!!  We will be diving really deep into the cycle of negative thoughts, setting up new boundaries and testing for weaknesses, and creating affirmations on self-love which will lead us to a more confident outlook on life.

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